Chuck Norris meets the Barkley Marathons

I like (I'm fond of!) Chuck Norris Facts and was wondering if he knew the Barkley which is IMHO both the funniest and the hardest race in the world. No less.

So, just for fun...

  • Chuck Norris is pacer at the Barkley. He carries a balloon which says "less than 3 hours".
  • Chuck Norris did finish Barkley's 6th loop. Clockwise and counter-clockwise.
  • When Chuck Norris participates in the Barkley, it's the race itself who ends up whining "no Chuck, not so hard!".
  • Chuck Norris enjoys racing the Barkley. On fridays, just before his long week-end workouts.
  • At Barkley's second loop, you notice "hey, this torrent wasn't there last time". Indeed, Chuck Norris stopped for a pee, up in the mountain.
  • When Chuck Norris feels like doing some little trail running, he participates in barkley's "fun run". If he can afford a whole day, he finishes the real race.
  • Participating in the Barkley or getting one's ass kicked by Chuck Norris is more or less the same. It hurts very bad and one ends up whining.
  • Curious, this morning, in Frozen Head State Park, there's a dense blue smoke and a smell of burnt rubber. Fog? Burning vehicle? No, Chuck Norris is warming up for the Barkley. He calls it "burn-out".
  • Thanks to Chuck Norris, Gary Cantrell had no choice but to definitively quit smoking. One can't even finish a single cigarette within the time it takes Chuck to complete the five loops.
  • Chuck Norris' beard is as hard and hurts as bad as Barkley's briers.
  • If there are 5 loops at the Barkley, it is to allow Chuck Norris to make at least 10 strides.
  • Chuck Norris' favorite library is Frozen Head State Park. He enjoys a fifteen minutes walking break between two books.
  • There's a common point between racing the Barkley and ass kicking. Chuck Norris enjoys it better when done barefoot.
  • The Barkley was actually held in 2002. Only Chuck Norris won it. His results is kept secret, to avoid humiliating other runners.
  • Chuck Norris knows on which day and at which time Barkley will start next year.
  • If the Barkley is harder and harder every year, it is because the organizers hopelessly believe that some day, Chuck Norris will consider it hard enough to enter it.
  • What's wrong with Chuck Norris participating in the Barkley? The course still didn't manage to produce an essay on "why should I be allowed to have Chuck Norris race on me.".
  • Why Chuck Norris still hasn't been to Frozen Head State Park to kick Barkley's ass? Because he does not waste his time on wimps. You need to be tough enough to get his focus.
  • On the Barkley, one might find chaotic dead trees on the course. That's right, Chuck Norris loves playing with his dog on Sunday mornings. And sometimes, he throws the stick a little too far.
  • Chuck Norris does not need to carry food on the barkley. His eggs and bacon are just fried that he's back from his loop.
  • At the Barkley, Chuck Norris does not listen to race directions. Race directions listen to Chuck Norris.
  • Frozen Head State Park is, to be exact, modeled after Chuck Norris' face. The forest is his beard, the rocks his teeth, ditches his wrinkles. In comparison, Mount Rushmore is a mere plaster bust.
  • When Chuck Norris sends his registration form for the Barkley, he does not send a license plate. He sends the complete Department of Motor Vehicles building via Fedex.
  • June, 1977 10th, James Earl Ray evades from from Brushy Mountain prison. Legend: he can't escape from the mountain and surrenders three days later. Reality: he met Chuck Norris, who was jogging arround.
  • Found in Chuck Norris' training log: "thursday, 2h30 fartlek at Rat Jaw, 6 minutes miles, I should try and make my stride a little smoother".
  • Chuck Norris does more laps at the Barkley than Yiannis Kouros at a six-days track event.
  • When Chuck Norris runs the Barkley, he attaches his feet with an ironclad anchor chain a marine friend gave him for Christmas. It adds a little historical touch to the race, he can pretend he's just escaped from prison, and also gives other pretenders a chance to follow him for the first mile.
  • At the Barkley start, Chuck Norris knows who will come back home with a good old DNF. Everyone but him.
  • When racing the Barkley, if hungry, Chuck Norris chops a tree with his hands and roasts a wolf or two. Powerbars suck.
  • Most runners refer to the Barkley course as "out there". Chuck Norris calls it "home sweet home".
  • There are several ways to finish the Barkley. You can, as most runners do, wander in the woods for hours, tortured by cold, hot weather, rain, briers, mud, face amazing steep paths, feel an unbearable pain and extreme fatigue. But there's another way to do it. Be Chuck Norris.
  • Swim across the Pacific Ocean or finish the Barkley is about the same for Chuck Norris. This is all too easy. With a 6 hour cut-off, maybe, he would consider entering it. Hopping on one leg.
  • When Chuck Norris races the Barkley, each of his laps is faster than the 4 other ones.
  • Barkley's staff never asks Chuck Norris to bring book pages back. Instead, Gary feels sorry and goes and fetch them himself.
  • When Chuck Norris climbs Rat Jaw, he needs to slow down badly at each switchback. Who cares, there are on switchbacks.
  • When Chuck Norris shits at the Barkley, he wipes his butt with a Grizzli.
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Updated on Mon Apr 05 2010.